Help in times of Grief

My coworkers had a baby two months ago. The little guy was diagnosed with HGH this past Monday, and this morning we got a message from the dad about the treatment. The poor baby probably won't be coming home from the hospital. I know sitting around the office crying doesn't do anybody any good. We can't donate leave to the dad because of company policy. Do you have any ideas for practical help?
Thanks, Siz

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Thanks for writing in, Siz.

Grief is a strange thing. Everyone copes with it differently, and so without knowing your friend better, or the details of your company policy, it's hard to come up with a specific answer. My best (generic) advice is to send a card, saying that you're thinking of his family and are available if he needs something.

But I want to focus on one of the premise of your question... that sitting around the office crying won't do anyone any good. It's an assumption made by a lot of people that I have met, an artifact of some cultural impulse that pushes us to "not just sit around" and "do something practical."

But allowing yourself to cry can actually be VERY helpful.

Grief is a process, and you're obviously feeling grief at your friends terrible loss. I'm guessing that you would never, in a million years, tell them to just "suck it up." So why should you? Sure, some people showboat their grief, and in so doing remove focus from those who need it, but at this particular moment you're not getting in their way, you are simply acknowledging that you are sad, and allowing yourself to cope with those feelings.

Where this helps THEM is if/when they DO take you up on an offer of help, or even just when they come back to work, your own internal feelings have been given the time to air and heal, allowing you to focus on them if they need it. Sure, they may just need you to cry with them some, but doing so will be a choice, not an imperative for you.

We cry because we need to. Sure, there are times and situations where we need to suppress it so that we can get stuff done, but in general if something makes you want to cry, it is far better to allow it than to suppress it. Suppressed feelings in general have a tendency to back up on someone, and backed up grief is worse than a backed up toilet.

Good luck as you walk with your friends, and remember that, sometimes, the best thing we can do for people who are grieving a loss is be there for them when they need us to be.

(Oh, and remember that it isn't your job to cheer them up. Let them be sad as long as they need it.)