A Pastor Shopping Guide for Atheists or the Otherwise Religiously Disinclined

I've seen it hundreds of times. A person who otherwise would have nothing to do with a minister suddenly finds themselves in need of one. Not for actual belief purposes, but to serve some other sort of purpose, like to perform a funeral for a loved one who wanted a Christian funeral.

The typical approach taken in this situation is; "It's all the same, anyway." So you grab whoever you can grab for the cheapest or the convenientest (totally a word) and then figure you don't have to worry about it. I mean, it's not like you believe in that God stuff, anyway, and so who cares what brand of God-drivel they spout, right?

Eh...

I can see the reasons behind such an approach and you do have a point, but this can also lead to some very awkward moments at family events, made all the more vexing BECAUSE YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT. This is especially problematic at funerals because you find yourself in a vulnerable place, mourning a loved one, and then this guy is gonna start spouting at you. And suddenly, even though you don't believe a word of it, you find that it still has the ability to hurt you.

This sort of thing makes me angry every time I see it, and I often try to chastise the offending pastor for it, but the fact of the matter is that some Pastor's believe that they are actually doing their jobs in this way. It's sickening, but it is a thing that exists.

So while I understand that for my atheists, or other similarly religiously disinclined people, having to shop for a pastor for the ceremony you've been saddled with can be about as appealing as going to an all-you-can-eat buffet while suffering from acute nausea, here are some questions you can ask along the way to prevent picking someone who will make a situation that is already uncomfortable for you even worse. Remember, my assumption here is that you are stuck, for one reason or another, with needing a Christian Funeral, despite your own personal beliefs.

1- "Are you going to try to convert me?"  This is the big one. Ask it straight out and up front. You are burying a loved one, and what you absolutely do not need is some idiot using that vulnerability as an opportunity to bludgeon you into the faith. If they cannot give you a clear no, then leave. I am serious. If they vacillate on their answer AT ALL, go somewhere else.

2- "What Platforms does your church support?" There is far more to theology than a simple belief in God, and different people live their faiths out differently. You already know that you don't share a faith background with the pastor, but if there is some ideological ground you can meet on, then you are more likely to be able to relate to the pastor, and so maybe get some comfort out of what they have to say. Besides, if it turns out they support some platforms you really hate, why throw extra money their way to help them do it?

3- "Will you give a eulogy or a sermon?" This is a spin-off of the first, but important because some Pastor's can't tell the difference. The purpose of the eulogy is to aid in the fond, sad remembrance of the departed. The purpose of a sermon is to impart wisdom to the congregation. Wisdom is all well and good but when a Christian Pastor preaches to a crowd that they know is at least partially atheist, they often have trouble not slipping to evangelizing, and that is not what you need right now. You want a eulogizer, not a preacher. If your options are limited, and they waffle, tell them that no message is needed, and get a member of the family to give the eulogy.

Some other tips-

Churches aren't your only option. Contact local hospitals or hospices and ask to talk to their chaplains, who will have some experience in working with grief outside of a specifically Christian Context.Vet them like you would a pastor, but they are more likely to have the personality type you are looking for.

When the choice presents itself, with all other things being equal, choose a female clergy member over a male one. The nature of the beast simply means that of the two, the female is more likely to understand an outsiders position. We males still take a LOT for granted.

And finally for my believers... if you have an atheist loved one, I understand the desire to give them one more push towards belief through a will-and testatement left through a Pastor. I really do understand it... but don't do it. Pastors almost always go too far with this sort of thing, and leads to your loved one being hurt, rather than supported, when they are grieving your loss.

If you really want to aid them through a member of the clergy, give a message of your love. That's what they'll really need. For the rest, leave it to God. After all, WE believe that God will take care of them, whether they believe it or not.