Reader Question- Finding a Gay Friendly Church

How do I determine if a church is queer-friendly? I'm moving to a new community, and would love to find a place of worship where I (a bisexual woman of faith) could feel welcome worshipping and serving with a partner of any gender.

I'm familiar with Gaychurch.org and other online registries, but I don't know how up to date they are. Should I just email and ask (and if so, what?) Should I scope it out and go up to the pastor after and chat? Is there a certain shrub welcoming churches plant?

I'm ecstatic to start looking for a church home, but I don't want to get invested in a place just to find out I'm not allowed to serve if the person I end up spending my life with happens to not be a man.
-Marie

-----------------

Marie, there is not, to my knowledge, a queer-friendly church shrub. But Good Lord Almighty, there OUGHT to be. Thanks for writing in!

No, seriously, I'm all about this. What would it look like? It should probably be rare (so some whacko-fundo church doesn't plant it by accident.) Would it be secret? What would it look like? (Just as an FYI, I don't recommend googling an image for "queer bush" at work. Especially if you work at a church.)

Anyway, to your question. Church shopping is always a difficult proposition, and the need to make sure you would be permitted to serve with a partner is just another item you'd have to add to the list.

For the record, I am going to start off assuming you are looking for a specifically Christian experience. If not, the UU (Unitarian Universalists) would certainly be welcoming.

To start with, paying attention to name brands (denominations) can go a long way in. Your best bet out of the gate is an MCC church. The MCC, or Metropolitan Community Church, was actually founded around the idea of being a pro-LGBTQ Christian Experience, and so you know, walking in, they will be gay-friendly. (While this doesn't necessarily mean you'll jive with the congregation or theology, it's not a bad place to start.) Unfortunately, they're not very big, and so sometimes hard to find.

Any other denomination will be more of a mixed bag. For example, my own denomination, the PC(USA) has recently allowed its ministers to perform gay marriages, and has some gay pastors. That said, any individual church might be less welcoming. So while the name brand is helpful, it's not an assurance. The denominations I have in mind here that are definitely worth checking out  are the Presbyterian Church (USA), The United Church of Christ, The United Methodist Church, the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America.

I would, in general, avoid non-denominational churches, as they tend to skew quite conservative. So unless a local non-denom has a rep as being LGBTQ friendly, I'd look elsewhere.

Now, once you have picked out a church, call it up and ask the pastor if he can meet with you. Usually, we can, if you call up during the week. Then you can chat with him about his church and their views and ask him, point blank, if you as a sexually active Bi woman would be welcomed. Ask specific questions, like; "What if I come with a partner? What if we wanted to join? Would we be permitted on leadership?"

Now, in some situations, like an MCC congregation, your answer will be a big enthusiastic YES! Others will have a tempered reaction. Don't throw them out straight away. They are likely recognizing the fact that while you will be MOSTLY accepted, there may be a member or two who has issues. This is generally going to be true of nearly any church. She isn't saying you will be hated or ridiculed, but she also doesn't want to present the picture as rosier than it is.

Then, check out worship. If it feels right, if you like the people, if they are fun and welcoming, enjoy! Often, those people the pastor might have been worried about pull a complete 180 when the conversation shifts from "gay people" to specific people they have met.

In the end, church shopping always takes some homework, and we haven't mastered yet how to make shrubbery take the drudgery out of it. But now you've given me the idea, I'll get to work on it!

Pastor Dan*

*Queershrub approved.