What is your view of "the call" and churches that don't ordain women pastors? How do you feel about it... are women just called to be helpers?- Jennifer
Short Answer, no.
Long Answer, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Interesting thing about the word helper. The phrase is often taken from Genesis where it is said that Eve was created to be a "helper" to Adam. The same word is used to describe exactly one other being in the entire Scripture. That being? God. So the word itself certainly cannot be said to imply subservience.
I understand that there is a long and time-honored tradition of excluding women from, well, pretty much anything, but I am happy to say that this position is very difficult to back up, Biblically. Sure, there are some texts that can be taken to mean that women should be silent in Church, but given that the letters with those exhortations were being written to churches with female leadership, it seems that either A) Paul didn't practice what he preached or B) There was more going on in that conversation than we know.
This puts us in a situation where the Biblical record is unclear when it comes to direct exhortation on the issue of female leadership, which then takes us to looking for examples. If the Bible should prove to be devoid of any female leadership, then the weak case from exhortation becomes stronger.
Yeah, not happening.
Given the context in which it was written, the Bible is packed to the gills with female leadership. Rebekah (the one who actually made decisions during Isaac's "Patriarchy," remind me to tell you about her sometime.) Miriam, the one who actually arranged for Moses to be raised in Pharaoh's household. Mary and Martha, who where the first to discover Jesus had risen. Dorcas, from the book of Acts, who brought her entire household into the faith.
And Deborah. Oh Lord, Deborah. ANYONE who tells you that women are not meant to be leaders have huge blinders where Deborah is concerned. Here is a woman who was not just a prophet, (a spiritual leader, like a pastor) but also a Judge, which meant she was a Political and Military leader as well. And a darn good one, easily the best of the Judges, the LONE Judge who didn't come with a catch, whose rule was entirely positive for the people of Israel.
As for me, I never really questioned female leadership, because I knew female pastors growing up. I felt the Holy Spirit stir in me as they preached.
And frankly, if God is going to bless their ministry like that, then who the hell am I, or anyone else, to deny them?
Women can absolutely be ordained pastors. And I am really looking forward to the day when no one will have to run the question past me to make sure its all legit.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
So Why the Ministry?
From time to time I get questions from people wanting to know how I ended up becoming a Pastor. The "how" is relatively simple; when I felt the call, I met with the elders of my church an professed my desire to pursue a career in ministry. Once I had their approval, I became what is known as an "Inquirer," someone under care of the church discerning their call. This step takes a minimum of a year. During this time I enrolled at an accredited Seminary, in my case, Columbia Theological Seminary. After my Inquiry period ended (which included a comprehensive psych evaluation), I was reviewed by a larger body of church government called the Presbytery, at which point I was approved to be a "Candidate for Ministry." Then, once I had completed Seminary and had been called by a specific church, I was Ordained as a Minister of Word and Sacrament.
But "how" often isn't the real question those people are after. I think they want the "why". Why become a minister? The money's not great, the church is undeniably dying, and in an age of information and the internet, helping people work on their relationships with God can seem like a real anachronism at times.
The answer is also rather complicated. I spent a very long period of my life saying that I wouldn't do it. I built up an impressive list of why nots.
I didn't want to be a pastor. My Dad is a pastor. My Grandpa was a pastor. It would just feel like I was going into the family business. I was too screwed up. I mean, who am I lead anyone? I wanted to teach. Or to write. Or... something. Who needed a serious, politically infused job like being a Pastor?
The thing was, I kept doing ministry. I was involved in local Young Life, ran youth groups, led worship at college, taught Bible Studies. I was fascinated by the scriptures and read them like the geek I was, trying to unlock the secrets the authors had left for me to find.
Then, one day, I was talking to my college Roommate, Mike. Mike's a great guy, himself headed for ministry. We were talking about the ministry and I was joking around about how my "policy" was that if I was called to the ministry I would go, but I hadn't been. Which was funny, because of all the ministry I was already doing, etc.
Mike looked at me strangely and then asked, "Dan, what do you think a call looks like?"
I'd been holding out for the clouds parting, the hand of God descending, Angels singing, something to that effect. (I don't think that was too much to ask.) Instead, I got swallowed by giant fish, or one of Mike's bearhugs. I realized it wasn't a matter of what I wanted to DO. It was a matter of who I was... who I am.
By the time I had reason to address the question of "Why do Ministry" instead of "Why Not," it was too late. I was already doing it.
So Why do Ministry? Because, apparently, I can't not.
But "how" often isn't the real question those people are after. I think they want the "why". Why become a minister? The money's not great, the church is undeniably dying, and in an age of information and the internet, helping people work on their relationships with God can seem like a real anachronism at times.
The answer is also rather complicated. I spent a very long period of my life saying that I wouldn't do it. I built up an impressive list of why nots.
I didn't want to be a pastor. My Dad is a pastor. My Grandpa was a pastor. It would just feel like I was going into the family business. I was too screwed up. I mean, who am I lead anyone? I wanted to teach. Or to write. Or... something. Who needed a serious, politically infused job like being a Pastor?
The thing was, I kept doing ministry. I was involved in local Young Life, ran youth groups, led worship at college, taught Bible Studies. I was fascinated by the scriptures and read them like the geek I was, trying to unlock the secrets the authors had left for me to find.
Then, one day, I was talking to my college Roommate, Mike. Mike's a great guy, himself headed for ministry. We were talking about the ministry and I was joking around about how my "policy" was that if I was called to the ministry I would go, but I hadn't been. Which was funny, because of all the ministry I was already doing, etc.
Mike looked at me strangely and then asked, "Dan, what do you think a call looks like?"
I'd been holding out for the clouds parting, the hand of God descending, Angels singing, something to that effect. (I don't think that was too much to ask.) Instead, I got swallowed by giant fish, or one of Mike's bearhugs. I realized it wasn't a matter of what I wanted to DO. It was a matter of who I was... who I am.
By the time I had reason to address the question of "Why do Ministry" instead of "Why Not," it was too late. I was already doing it.
So Why do Ministry? Because, apparently, I can't not.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Reader Question: Will LGBTQ people be going to hell, regardless of their faith?
As a pastor, how do you feel about the LBGTQ situation . Do you think that God sends people like myself (who is bi) to hell even if I believe in Him with all of my heart? -Jaime
Hey Jaime, thanks for the question!
Short answer, no. I do not believe that being LGBTQ earns you a "Go Straight to Hell" card.
Longer version:
Frankly, I think the LGBTQ "situation" stinks. I think a significant portion of our population has gotten the message drilled into them that they are especially "damned" due to their sexuality, and it has become such a huge part of the "religious" message that it becomes difficult to even have a conversation on the subject anymore.
Let's roll with the assumption, just for a second, that the sexual urges that come with being LGBTQ are more inherently sinful than those felt by hetero folks. While I do not feel that is a safe assumption to make, let's make it here, anyway, just for the sake of argument.
Why exactly would that sin be more damning than any other?
The most common reply I have heard to that question is that LGBTQ folks are "unrepentant" sinners. Well, ok. So is the executive who keeps greedily taking money from the poor, or the parent who repeatedly rages at kids who play a better little league game than their child. Yet you never see people carrying "God Hates Overbearing Parents" posters at funerals.
So why THIS sin, assuming it is inherently sinful at all?
Simple: Preaching against sin is hard. Pastors are often encouraged to be "hard on sin" by their churches, and yet find themselves in a predicament. Preaching a hard line against sin often means poking a finger at the people who pay your paycheck. When most people say; "Be tough on sin" what they actually mean is; "Be tough on someone ELSE'S sin."
This is because we know our whole story. Sure I can be greedy from time to time, but that's because I'm scared of the money running out. Yeah, I may yell a little, but I deal with a lot of frustration. Yeah, I lied again, but the truth would have been worse. Other people, though, are just sinful jerks who need to have the fear of hellfire put into them.
So to a Pastor who wants to preach a sermon that is "tough on sin" actually picking a sin that won't alienate a member of your congregation can be difficult. But if you assume that LGBTQ sexuality is sinful, then you have an out... because while everyone in your congregation has lied, yelled, stolen, etc., they have not ALL been gay.
So it gets preached against. A lot. And overtime, it became the "big" one.
I do not believe that an LGBTQ lifestyle is inherently sinful, or at least, no more so than the heterosexual lifestyle (which, as well all know, is no punched ticket to sainthood.)
What I do, believe, Jaime, is that God loves you, and that heaven would be a little bit less without you.
DFTBA
Hey Jaime, thanks for the question!
Short answer, no. I do not believe that being LGBTQ earns you a "Go Straight to Hell" card.
Longer version:
Frankly, I think the LGBTQ "situation" stinks. I think a significant portion of our population has gotten the message drilled into them that they are especially "damned" due to their sexuality, and it has become such a huge part of the "religious" message that it becomes difficult to even have a conversation on the subject anymore.
Let's roll with the assumption, just for a second, that the sexual urges that come with being LGBTQ are more inherently sinful than those felt by hetero folks. While I do not feel that is a safe assumption to make, let's make it here, anyway, just for the sake of argument.
Why exactly would that sin be more damning than any other?
The most common reply I have heard to that question is that LGBTQ folks are "unrepentant" sinners. Well, ok. So is the executive who keeps greedily taking money from the poor, or the parent who repeatedly rages at kids who play a better little league game than their child. Yet you never see people carrying "God Hates Overbearing Parents" posters at funerals.
So why THIS sin, assuming it is inherently sinful at all?
Simple: Preaching against sin is hard. Pastors are often encouraged to be "hard on sin" by their churches, and yet find themselves in a predicament. Preaching a hard line against sin often means poking a finger at the people who pay your paycheck. When most people say; "Be tough on sin" what they actually mean is; "Be tough on someone ELSE'S sin."
This is because we know our whole story. Sure I can be greedy from time to time, but that's because I'm scared of the money running out. Yeah, I may yell a little, but I deal with a lot of frustration. Yeah, I lied again, but the truth would have been worse. Other people, though, are just sinful jerks who need to have the fear of hellfire put into them.
So to a Pastor who wants to preach a sermon that is "tough on sin" actually picking a sin that won't alienate a member of your congregation can be difficult. But if you assume that LGBTQ sexuality is sinful, then you have an out... because while everyone in your congregation has lied, yelled, stolen, etc., they have not ALL been gay.
So it gets preached against. A lot. And overtime, it became the "big" one.
I do not believe that an LGBTQ lifestyle is inherently sinful, or at least, no more so than the heterosexual lifestyle (which, as well all know, is no punched ticket to sainthood.)
What I do, believe, Jaime, is that God loves you, and that heaven would be a little bit less without you.
DFTBA
Questions I Suspect will be Frequently Asked (QISwbFA)
Q: Are you really a Pastor?
A: Yes, I am an Ordained Minister of Word and Sacrament with the Presbyterian Church, USA. I serve First Presbyterian Church of Weyauwega, WI.
Q: Where did you get your education?
A: I received my Bachelors Degree at Calvin College in Grand Rapids, MI. I received my Masters of Divinity at Columbia Theological Seminary in Decatur, GA.
Q: What was your Mother's Maiden Name?
A: Come on, Identity thief. No one uses that as security information anymore.
Q: How did you get involved with the Nerdfighters?
A: I don't know if "involved" is the right word, but I started watching the Vlogbrothers and then discovered the Adult Nerdfighters group on Facebook. I started talking with them about stuff and eventually some people recommended I try Blogging, and here we are.
Q: Who the eff is Hank?
A: Hank is a short-legged breed of dog of the hound family, as well as one of six recognized Hank breeds in France; furthermore, Hanks are scent hounds that were originally bred for the purpose of hunting rabbits and hare. Their sense of smell for tracking is second only to that of the Bloodhound.
Q: Will you only write about religion?
A: I imagine that is where the questions will trend (probably not gonna get many asking after my casserole recipes) but I will digress into the things of life that interest me, which covers a broad spectrum. We'll see how it goes!
Q: YOU NEVER ANSWERED MY QUESTION!
A: Whoops! I try to answer all the questions I get, but sometimes they get lost in the shuffle of work, travel, etc. If it's been more than a month with no response, try sending it again.
Q: Can I come to your church?
Sure!
Q: YOU NEVER ANSWERED MY QUESTION!
A: Whoops! I try to answer all the questions I get, but sometimes they get lost in the shuffle of work, travel, etc. If it's been more than a month with no response, try sending it again.
Q: Can I come to your church?
Sure!
How did a Pastor become a Nerd?
Hey there,
Nerdfighters!
Occasionally I get asked by a member of my congregation how I ended up such a huge geek. (I prefer the term geek to nerd. Maybe because in school I was called a nerd, and claimed the term geek. Who knows.) I laugh that I got it from my parents, but in truth it is a good question. How did my obsessions start... when did I attain my current fluency in them? So I thought I would give an autobiographical account of my various fandoms, or at least, the ones that really got me started.
Hey, I've been posting a lot about death lately, and this seems life affirming.
When I was very small, but old enough to remember, my mom read to me a chapter from the Chronicles of Narnia every night. When one would show on television, she'd also let me watch the BBC editions of the Chronicles won TV, which was a big deal. (My TV watching was limited to two hours a day, the block on PBS that encompassed Mr Rogers Neighborhood, Sesame Street, 3-2-1 Contact, and Square 1 TV) According to Mom, every time we were in a house that had a stand-alone wardrobe, I would check it out, just in case. I can affirm this continued until junior high.
Apparently, on my second day of kindergarten, I wanted my mom to ride the bus with me, like she had done on the first day. She told me that I needed to ride on my own, now. I looked her in the eyes and said, "Mommy, if you don't get on that bus you are going to regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and for the rest of your life." I have no idea where it came from, but I was dropping movie quotes at a VERY early age.
Also around this time, my parents let me watch the Superman movie starring Christopher Reeve. Though I was apparently upset that people could be as mean as Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor, I loved the idea of Superman, and even got an "S" shirt of my own, which my mother (at my insistence) embroidered to read "Super Danny." Super Danny actually became well known around the apartment complex, as I would stroll around as "Mild Mannered Danny McCurdy" and, when I saw someone in trouble (like needing help with groceries) I would hide behind a bush and take off my over shirt, put on a red towel cape, and come to rescue shouting; "This sounds like a Job for SUPER DANNY!" Sure, the cosplay was weak (Mom never did buy me red underooos) but we're talking real hero stuff, here.
This was also around the time my Dad got an Atari for the house, along with a bunch of games. Among the games was Empire Strikes Back, where you piloted an airspeeder and fought AT-AT Walkers. When I learned it was based on a Movie, I demanded to see it, and thus was introduced to Star Wars, which quickly became a part of my personal mythology.
It was a year or so later that I noticed that, around bedtime, my Dad would watch a weird show. All the people talked funny (kinda like the bad guys on Star Wars) and they rode around in this big blue box that was bigger on the inside. I ALSO learned that if I sat quietly next to Dad during the show and asked questions during commercials, I could stay up a whole half hour past my bedtime. This was the reason why Tom Baker is MY Doctor.
When I was in third grade, and my brother in Kindergarten, my Dad had us watch a funny cartoon movie called the Hobbit, and then read it to us. It was funny and silly except sometimes it was scary, but I loved it because Dad was so great at reading it. Then he asked if I wanted more, and hell yeah I did. Sometimes the chapters went long and we could be up WAAAY late, and then I'd sit up in bed thinking about the stories he told us.
He started every reading session by reading the Poem. "Three Rings for the Elven Kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf Lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, but One for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne, in the land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. One Ring to Rule Them All, One Ring to find them, one Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them... in the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie."
I was hooked. I read the Silmarillion on my own. Dad bought me a video game based on Dune, which lead me to watch the movie, which led me to read the books, which is absolutely the right order to do it in (this way you can enjoy all of it.)
How did I become a Geek, you ask? Simple.
My parents raised me right.
Occasionally I get asked by a member of my congregation how I ended up such a huge geek. (I prefer the term geek to nerd. Maybe because in school I was called a nerd, and claimed the term geek. Who knows.) I laugh that I got it from my parents, but in truth it is a good question. How did my obsessions start... when did I attain my current fluency in them? So I thought I would give an autobiographical account of my various fandoms, or at least, the ones that really got me started.
Hey, I've been posting a lot about death lately, and this seems life affirming.
When I was very small, but old enough to remember, my mom read to me a chapter from the Chronicles of Narnia every night. When one would show on television, she'd also let me watch the BBC editions of the Chronicles won TV, which was a big deal. (My TV watching was limited to two hours a day, the block on PBS that encompassed Mr Rogers Neighborhood, Sesame Street, 3-2-1 Contact, and Square 1 TV) According to Mom, every time we were in a house that had a stand-alone wardrobe, I would check it out, just in case. I can affirm this continued until junior high.
Apparently, on my second day of kindergarten, I wanted my mom to ride the bus with me, like she had done on the first day. She told me that I needed to ride on my own, now. I looked her in the eyes and said, "Mommy, if you don't get on that bus you are going to regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and for the rest of your life." I have no idea where it came from, but I was dropping movie quotes at a VERY early age.
Also around this time, my parents let me watch the Superman movie starring Christopher Reeve. Though I was apparently upset that people could be as mean as Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor, I loved the idea of Superman, and even got an "S" shirt of my own, which my mother (at my insistence) embroidered to read "Super Danny." Super Danny actually became well known around the apartment complex, as I would stroll around as "Mild Mannered Danny McCurdy" and, when I saw someone in trouble (like needing help with groceries) I would hide behind a bush and take off my over shirt, put on a red towel cape, and come to rescue shouting; "This sounds like a Job for SUPER DANNY!" Sure, the cosplay was weak (Mom never did buy me red underooos) but we're talking real hero stuff, here.
This was also around the time my Dad got an Atari for the house, along with a bunch of games. Among the games was Empire Strikes Back, where you piloted an airspeeder and fought AT-AT Walkers. When I learned it was based on a Movie, I demanded to see it, and thus was introduced to Star Wars, which quickly became a part of my personal mythology.
It was a year or so later that I noticed that, around bedtime, my Dad would watch a weird show. All the people talked funny (kinda like the bad guys on Star Wars) and they rode around in this big blue box that was bigger on the inside. I ALSO learned that if I sat quietly next to Dad during the show and asked questions during commercials, I could stay up a whole half hour past my bedtime. This was the reason why Tom Baker is MY Doctor.
When I was in third grade, and my brother in Kindergarten, my Dad had us watch a funny cartoon movie called the Hobbit, and then read it to us. It was funny and silly except sometimes it was scary, but I loved it because Dad was so great at reading it. Then he asked if I wanted more, and hell yeah I did. Sometimes the chapters went long and we could be up WAAAY late, and then I'd sit up in bed thinking about the stories he told us.
He started every reading session by reading the Poem. "Three Rings for the Elven Kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf Lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, but One for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne, in the land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. One Ring to Rule Them All, One Ring to find them, one Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them... in the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie."
I was hooked. I read the Silmarillion on my own. Dad bought me a video game based on Dune, which lead me to watch the movie, which led me to read the books, which is absolutely the right order to do it in (this way you can enjoy all of it.)
How did I become a Geek, you ask? Simple.
My parents raised me right.
How to Talk to a Grieving Person
I was asked to talk about how to talk to someone who is grieving a loss.
No. I'm not going to.
There is ton of material out there on what to say to someone who is grieving a loss and most of it is horrible, formulaic crap. You know how irritated you get when you call tech support and someone reads a script instead of actually listening to your problem? Now, imagine that your problem is not with a computer but with the hole inside of you that is left when someone you love dies. And instead of calling tech support, they came to you and read their script.
This is about as helpful as it sounds. Most grievers, having enough to deal with, simply smile, nod, and move on, thoroughly unhelped. They know that people are just trying to help them feel better. Some snap and yell, and then get stories told about how they're not "handling it well."
So rather than a "How to Talk to a Grieving Person" bit, I am going the other way. Here is what NOT to say to a grieving person.
1. "At least they're not hurting anymore." Yes, thank you. On top of my grief we can now add guilt for wishing my loved one was still with me, even if they were in pain. I'm a horrible person.
2. "They're with God/The Angels/The Earth Mother now." Oh, wonderful. Even if I do share your faith and believe in that idea of the afterlife, here I am wanting to pull them out of that wonderful reality just so I can be with them a little longer. I am a horrible person.
3. "Well, it's good you got to say goodbye." So what? So I got to say goodbye? FUCK goodbye. I want my loved one back. What are you saying, that others didn't get to say goodbye and so I should count my blessings? It could have been worse. THIS CRUSHING PAIN IN MY CHEST COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE? I am a horrible person.
4. "At least it went quickly." Yes, if the person I love had to leave me forever, at least I got as little time with them as possible. Oh, you mean at least they didn't suffer, and here I am wishing they'd suffered more. Shit, I'm a horrible person.
To summarize those last 4 and cover any variations, if what you are saying could be put in a nutshell as; "Here is why you shouldn't be sad" you probably shouldn't say it. A griever will be sad. You CAN'T fix that, and statements like the above just gives them reasons why their grief is wrong. If you can't deal with this person being sad, either don't say anything and just sit with them, or walk away.
5. "You should really _________" One of my mentors called this "Shoulding all over someone." When you are grieving a death, everyone has advice. I've heard it all. "You should really start dating again." "You should throw away their stuff." "You shouldn't be crying so much."
Everyone grieves differently. Only they know what they need in any moment. Telling them how to grieve only makes things worse when they try what they are told and it doesn't work. And it often won't. Bereavement is like throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks. And what worked yesterday might now work today.
6. "Read this book." Great. Not only am I trying to gather my energy enough to pretend to be a human being for an hour or two today, I have homework.
7. "Oh, no, don't think about it that way!" I just told you that I feel like their death was my fault, in some way. And here you are to tell me how wrong I am. But you don't REALLY know the answer, any more than I do. Maybe, in this moment, when I feel more powerless than I ever have before, I want to pretend that I could have done something and didn't. Maybe, in this moment, I would rather feel guilty than weak. Is that okay with you?
8. "You're Young, You'll get over it." You're right. I'm LUCKY that I lost them so soon in my life. And what is this compared to? Old people who would just keel over and die?
No. I'm not going to.
There is ton of material out there on what to say to someone who is grieving a loss and most of it is horrible, formulaic crap. You know how irritated you get when you call tech support and someone reads a script instead of actually listening to your problem? Now, imagine that your problem is not with a computer but with the hole inside of you that is left when someone you love dies. And instead of calling tech support, they came to you and read their script.
This is about as helpful as it sounds. Most grievers, having enough to deal with, simply smile, nod, and move on, thoroughly unhelped. They know that people are just trying to help them feel better. Some snap and yell, and then get stories told about how they're not "handling it well."
So rather than a "How to Talk to a Grieving Person" bit, I am going the other way. Here is what NOT to say to a grieving person.
1. "At least they're not hurting anymore." Yes, thank you. On top of my grief we can now add guilt for wishing my loved one was still with me, even if they were in pain. I'm a horrible person.
2. "They're with God/The Angels/The Earth Mother now." Oh, wonderful. Even if I do share your faith and believe in that idea of the afterlife, here I am wanting to pull them out of that wonderful reality just so I can be with them a little longer. I am a horrible person.
3. "Well, it's good you got to say goodbye." So what? So I got to say goodbye? FUCK goodbye. I want my loved one back. What are you saying, that others didn't get to say goodbye and so I should count my blessings? It could have been worse. THIS CRUSHING PAIN IN MY CHEST COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE? I am a horrible person.
4. "At least it went quickly." Yes, if the person I love had to leave me forever, at least I got as little time with them as possible. Oh, you mean at least they didn't suffer, and here I am wishing they'd suffered more. Shit, I'm a horrible person.
To summarize those last 4 and cover any variations, if what you are saying could be put in a nutshell as; "Here is why you shouldn't be sad" you probably shouldn't say it. A griever will be sad. You CAN'T fix that, and statements like the above just gives them reasons why their grief is wrong. If you can't deal with this person being sad, either don't say anything and just sit with them, or walk away.
5. "You should really _________" One of my mentors called this "Shoulding all over someone." When you are grieving a death, everyone has advice. I've heard it all. "You should really start dating again." "You should throw away their stuff." "You shouldn't be crying so much."
Everyone grieves differently. Only they know what they need in any moment. Telling them how to grieve only makes things worse when they try what they are told and it doesn't work. And it often won't. Bereavement is like throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks. And what worked yesterday might now work today.
6. "Read this book." Great. Not only am I trying to gather my energy enough to pretend to be a human being for an hour or two today, I have homework.
7. "Oh, no, don't think about it that way!" I just told you that I feel like their death was my fault, in some way. And here you are to tell me how wrong I am. But you don't REALLY know the answer, any more than I do. Maybe, in this moment, when I feel more powerless than I ever have before, I want to pretend that I could have done something and didn't. Maybe, in this moment, I would rather feel guilty than weak. Is that okay with you?
8. "You're Young, You'll get over it." You're right. I'm LUCKY that I lost them so soon in my life. And what is this compared to? Old people who would just keel over and die?
9. "Well, they lived a good long life." Yeah, they probably passed their expiration date. Time to chuck 'em out with the old milk.
Now, reading this, you're probably thinking; "Shit, Dan, what CAN we do?"
You. Can. Listen.
You don't know where they are at in their grief unless they tell you. So listen to them. The "feel better" phrases above, when they come from their mouths, may be the solace of the moment. Feel free to affirm them in that moment.
Then, once you have listened, they may seek advice. And then you can give them options, like grief support groups, or a book that helped you once, or this funny video that made you laugh.
Listen when they tell you what they need. Then provide it as you are able. The ONLY time to be more forceful than that is when their life is in danger, and for most of us here, that will mean referring them to a professional.
Remember, when you talk to someone who is grieving, that your job is not to make them not be sad anymore, or to tell them how to live their lives. Your job, as their friend, family, or whatever, is to listen, affirm their pain and coping, and if they ask for advice, then and only then, give them options of things they COULD do.
If you're reading this and thinking of a time you messed up, don't worry. Everyone does. It is huge that you were there for that person, even if you didn't do the best job of listening. We learn by making mistakes. So learn. Listen. Be a friend.
You can do it.
How to Talk to a Dying Person
So many people, when confronted with a dying person, avoid them because
"they don't know what to say."
This is largely a byproduct of feeling like you need to cheer the other person up, or "make them okay with it." Given how rarely we are OKAY with it (especially if we love the one who is dying) this is a tall order. Luckily, it's not ACTUALLY our job.
So here's how you talk to a dying person.
1. Show up. This is 90% of the battle. So long as you aren't especially, near intentionally horrible, the mere fact that you arrived will make your visit a highlight of their day. The Western fear of death means that many people wind up dying alone, avoided by those who care for them. So show up, and you're off to a good start/
2. Touch them. This goes under the sub-heading of showing up... in the end stages of death, as people become less and less aware of what is happening around them, physical contact makes your presence a little more real. Most of the time, what is killing the person isn't contagious through simple physical contact, so unless there are signs around warning you off, feel free to put a hand on their arm or shoulder. (Washing your hands before you walk into the room, of course.) A lot of dying people go days at a time without being touched in a friendly way. It helps them feel more human in a time where a lot of their humanity is being taken from them.
3. "How is Today?" At least once, by accident, you will give your dying friend or loved one the opportunity for the best joke dying has given them... "How are you?" "I'm dying. You?" After the fun of that, a better greeting is "How is Today?" Terminal diseases have good days and bad days. This is a way to find out how they are feeling on this specific day, and lets you know what is going on.
4. Don't be afraid to talk about yourself. A dying person often feels like the world around them is gone... people around them only talking about the disease, funeral arrangements, travel plans, etc. If they ask you questions about what you are up to, don't feel the need to turn the conversation back around onto them, saying; "Well, that's not important right now..." let them dictate what is important, If that includes asking if you've beaten your high score on Candy Crush Saga yet, answer them.
5. Watch for leading questions. If they ask you a question like; "What do YOU think happens when we die," give your answer with a nutshell, and then ask them what they think. These questions are often looking for an opportunity to explore some murky concepts. Tell the truth, and listen for the truth they tell when you return the question.
6. Let them steer the conversation. If the deep talk gets to deep, they'll yank the wheel and take it somewhere else entirely. Let them. In a world where more and more decisions are being taken from them, allow them to dictate this.
7. Do not compulsively fill every silence. If they go quiet, and you don't have anything to say, don't feel the need to babble for the sake of babbling. Silence can be golden.
8. When the time comes to leave, make definite plans to come back. Whenever possible, pick an exact date and time. "I'll see you around" is too nebulous and opens up a strong possibility of "Is this the last time I'll see you." It can ruin a happy day. So be definite. It doesn't assure anything, but it sure leaves the visit on a strong note.
And finally, remember that no matter how far gone they are, until the very end, unless they were clinically deaf before, assume that they can hear you. Talk TO them when you are in the room, instead of always talking over them. Tell them that you love them, that you'll miss them, anything you need to say.
And when the time comes, say goodbye.
This is largely a byproduct of feeling like you need to cheer the other person up, or "make them okay with it." Given how rarely we are OKAY with it (especially if we love the one who is dying) this is a tall order. Luckily, it's not ACTUALLY our job.
So here's how you talk to a dying person.
1. Show up. This is 90% of the battle. So long as you aren't especially, near intentionally horrible, the mere fact that you arrived will make your visit a highlight of their day. The Western fear of death means that many people wind up dying alone, avoided by those who care for them. So show up, and you're off to a good start/
2. Touch them. This goes under the sub-heading of showing up... in the end stages of death, as people become less and less aware of what is happening around them, physical contact makes your presence a little more real. Most of the time, what is killing the person isn't contagious through simple physical contact, so unless there are signs around warning you off, feel free to put a hand on their arm or shoulder. (Washing your hands before you walk into the room, of course.) A lot of dying people go days at a time without being touched in a friendly way. It helps them feel more human in a time where a lot of their humanity is being taken from them.
3. "How is Today?" At least once, by accident, you will give your dying friend or loved one the opportunity for the best joke dying has given them... "How are you?" "I'm dying. You?" After the fun of that, a better greeting is "How is Today?" Terminal diseases have good days and bad days. This is a way to find out how they are feeling on this specific day, and lets you know what is going on.
4. Don't be afraid to talk about yourself. A dying person often feels like the world around them is gone... people around them only talking about the disease, funeral arrangements, travel plans, etc. If they ask you questions about what you are up to, don't feel the need to turn the conversation back around onto them, saying; "Well, that's not important right now..." let them dictate what is important, If that includes asking if you've beaten your high score on Candy Crush Saga yet, answer them.
5. Watch for leading questions. If they ask you a question like; "What do YOU think happens when we die," give your answer with a nutshell, and then ask them what they think. These questions are often looking for an opportunity to explore some murky concepts. Tell the truth, and listen for the truth they tell when you return the question.
6. Let them steer the conversation. If the deep talk gets to deep, they'll yank the wheel and take it somewhere else entirely. Let them. In a world where more and more decisions are being taken from them, allow them to dictate this.
7. Do not compulsively fill every silence. If they go quiet, and you don't have anything to say, don't feel the need to babble for the sake of babbling. Silence can be golden.
8. When the time comes to leave, make definite plans to come back. Whenever possible, pick an exact date and time. "I'll see you around" is too nebulous and opens up a strong possibility of "Is this the last time I'll see you." It can ruin a happy day. So be definite. It doesn't assure anything, but it sure leaves the visit on a strong note.
And finally, remember that no matter how far gone they are, until the very end, unless they were clinically deaf before, assume that they can hear you. Talk TO them when you are in the room, instead of always talking over them. Tell them that you love them, that you'll miss them, anything you need to say.
And when the time comes, say goodbye.
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