How to Talk to a Grieving Person

I was asked to talk about how to talk to someone who is grieving a loss.

No. I'm not going to.

There is ton of material out there on what to say to someone who is grieving a loss and most of it is horrible, formulaic crap. You know how irritated you get when you call tech support and someone reads a script instead of actually listening to your problem? Now, imagine that your problem is not with a computer but with the hole inside of you that is left when someone you love dies. And instead of calling tech support, they came to you and read their script. 

This is about as helpful as it sounds. Most grievers, having enough to deal with, simply smile, nod, and move on, thoroughly unhelped. They know that people are just trying to help them feel better. Some snap and yell, and then get stories told about how they're not "handling it well."

So rather than a "How to Talk to a Grieving Person" bit, I am going the other way. Here is what NOT to say to a grieving person.

1. "At least they're not hurting anymore." Yes, thank you. On top of my grief we can now add guilt for wishing my loved one was still with me, even if they were in pain. I'm a horrible person.

2. "They're with God/The Angels/The Earth Mother now." Oh, wonderful. Even if I do share your faith and believe in that idea of the afterlife, here I am wanting to pull them out of that wonderful reality just so I can be with them a little longer. I am a horrible person.

3. "Well, it's good you got to say goodbye." So what? So I got to say goodbye? FUCK goodbye. I want my loved one back. What are you saying, that others didn't get to say goodbye and so I should count my blessings? It could have been worse. THIS CRUSHING PAIN IN MY CHEST COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE? I am a horrible person.

4. "At least it went quickly." Yes, if the person I love had to leave me forever, at least I got as little time with them as possible. Oh, you mean at least they didn't suffer, and here I am wishing they'd suffered more. Shit, I'm a horrible person.

To summarize those last 4 and cover any variations, if what you are saying could be put in a nutshell as; "Here is why you shouldn't be sad" you probably shouldn't say it. A griever will be sad. You CAN'T fix that, and statements like the above just gives them reasons why their grief is wrong. If you can't deal with this person being sad, either don't say anything and just sit with them, or walk away.

5. "You should really _________" One of my mentors called this "Shoulding all over someone." When you are grieving a death, everyone has advice. I've heard it all. "You should really start dating again." "You should throw away their stuff." "You shouldn't be crying so much." 

Everyone grieves differently. Only they know what they need in any moment. Telling them how to grieve only makes things worse when they try what they are told and it doesn't work. And it often won't. Bereavement is like throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks. And what worked yesterday might now work today.

6. "Read this book." Great. Not only am I trying to gather my energy enough to pretend to be a human being for an hour or two today, I have homework. 

7. "Oh, no, don't think about it that way!" I just told you that I feel like their death was my fault, in some way. And here you are to tell me how wrong I am. But you don't REALLY know the answer, any more than I do. Maybe, in this moment, when I feel more powerless than I ever have before, I want to pretend that I could have done something and didn't. Maybe, in this moment, I would rather feel guilty than weak. Is that okay with you?

8. "You're Young, You'll get over it." You're right. I'm LUCKY that I lost them so soon in my life. And what is this compared to? Old people who would just keel over and die?

9. "Well, they lived a good long life." Yeah, they probably passed their expiration date. Time to chuck 'em out with the old milk.

Now, reading this, you're probably thinking; "Shit, Dan, what CAN we do?"

You. Can. Listen. 

You don't know where they are at in their grief unless they tell you. So listen to them. The "feel better" phrases above, when they come from their mouths, may be the solace of the moment. Feel free to affirm them in that moment. 

Then, once you have listened, they may seek advice. And then you can give them options, like grief support groups, or a book that helped you once, or this funny video that made you laugh. 

Listen when they tell you what they need. Then provide it as you are able. The ONLY time to be more forceful than that is when their life is in danger, and for most of us here, that will mean referring them to a professional.

Remember, when you talk to someone who is grieving, that your job is not to make them not be sad anymore, or to tell them how to live their lives. Your job, as their friend, family, or whatever, is to listen, affirm their pain and coping, and if they ask for advice, then and only then, give them options of things they COULD do.

If you're reading this and thinking of a time you messed up, don't worry. Everyone does. It is huge that you were there for that person, even if you didn't do the best job of listening. We learn by making mistakes. So learn. Listen. Be a friend. 

You can do it.