Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Playing the Game: the Weird Connection between PUA's and Chaplains.

Well, if yesterday taught me anything, it's that my blog gets the most hits when I am talking about subjects relating to sex. So ask more sexy questions, because if there is anyone to answer the sex conundrums of the Internet, it's the monogamous, fairly vanilla Pastor of a small rural town in Wisconsin.

So let's talk about Pick Up Artists. THAT'll get me blacklisted by some of my readers for sure.

I haven't vlogged in awhile. (I should do that again.) But one time, when I did, an attentive Nerdfighter wondered why a book on the shelf behind me suddenly got obscured partway into the video. He did some screen scrutinizing and couldn't make it out, and finally just asked. Because of the leather binding and gold lettering, a bunch of people assumed it was a Bible.

It wasn't. It was a copy of The Game, the notorious Bible of Pick Up Artists.

I was given it as a joke. Years ago, the woman who is now my wife was hanging out with me and we were joking about dating life. (We both liked each other, but we weren't dating yet.) As a gag, she gave me The Game, saying that she'd heard it would solve all my dating problems. I laughed and took it.

A week later we had started dating, and have since gotten married. (She was a little suspicious when she put that together.)

As it happens, I hadn't read the book in that in between time, but not long after I did out of curiosity. I was working at the time as an Intern Chaplain at a Children's hospital in Atlanta and killing time during a slow on-call shift. I read about half of it (at which point it was just getting depressing) but was shocked by a revelation... a lot of the "methods" being described by the various characters in the book were taught to chaplains learning how to cold call rooms.

No, I'm serious. You can read a lot about pickup artists these days, or watch their movies. They never had to do what I had to do. I mean, there I am, walking around on my floor, I walk up to your door, knock once, and walk in. From the moment I walk into your room I have five minutes, if I am lucky, to get you to open up to me. Five minutes to let you know that you can talk to me, and entice you to do so. If I don't make it in five I can try again later but then I'll have even less time. Usually, if I can't get you talking on that first attempt, I never will. It's just the simple fact of nature.

Zero to Intimacy in five minutes. Most pick-up artists would laugh at you if you asked them to pull THAT off. They have all their rules, all their routines, but most take time, time that I don't have. You see, the difference is that a pick-up artist will normally approach you in a bar, or in a club. Somewhere safe, somewhere public. I have to approach you in a place where you are at your most vulnerable, your least comfortable. And I have to do it between all the people jabbing you with needles, or whatever the medical team is doing. So many people just want to look at one person and tell them to get the hell out, and hey! A Chaplain! I can tell him to piss off and he'll just do it. What does a chaplain do, anyway?

Truth is, more people need us than don't, even people who don't go church, or somewhere similar. They just don't know it. Same as they didn't know why their side was hurting so bad, or why their kid was throwing up so much. So here they are, with doctors and nurses giving them the answers. But when I show up, they don't know who I am, and most don't respect what I can give them. So they want to blow me off. They think it would cheer them up. THAT is what I was up against.

Any Pick-up artist worth their salt would sense that kind of hostility and just go on to the next girl, unless they wanted the challenge. Me? I just walked right in. Every time. It was my job. And if I couldn't get you to recognize how much you need me in five minutes, you won't let me do it.

Some chaplains just give up, and though it makes me sad, I can't say I blame them. They walk into the rooms, get blown off, and walk on, and act as if the act of getting blown off was what they were there for. They never get to do their real work unless something horrible happens, the trauma cases, and those are easy. It's easy to get someone to open up when things are at their worst. To go back to the PUA analogy, it's like picking up a girl on the rebound, no real challenge at all, more about being there at the right time and just shutting up and listening.

So it really isn't being a PUA... it's bigger than that and far more meaningful. But the similarities were there. I wrote a paper about it for my Pastoral Education class and they were all scandalized... save my prof, who gave me an A.

I still have the book because I don't get rid of books. I never did finish it (it really got WAAAAY too depressing. Absolutely NOT an endorsement for the PUA lifestyle, if personal happiness is what you're after.) and wouldn't really recommend it. And PUA's with their hunter/prey approach to women, really don't need to be emulated in any way, shape, or form. So I was a bit surprised at the odd connections, at similarities I saw in some of the routines.

So if you're in the hospital and a chaplain comes by, give 'em a listen. It's possible they're the type who has already given up, and if so, sorry. But a good one will get you talking, and then listen. Even if you aren't religious, there is good research showing the value of spiritual care during healing. So give the ol' chap a shot. You might be amazed how good they can be at getting your pants.

Er, spiritual life. I meant getting in your spiritual life.

I should probably go.

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