Reader Question: The 10 Types of People You Shouldn't Marry.

I saw your comment on the "10 Women Christian Men shouldn't Marry" article thing that got linked on ANF. So who DO you think Christians should marry? (You don't have to limit yourself to one gender.)  -Your Turn

----

The first new Question of the New Year! And here I was thinking we were over. Thanks for writing in, mocking name.

Yeah, that article (which I will NOT link here) was pretty darn infuriating. It even seemed to know that it was... half of it's language could essentially be boiled down to; "Now, I'm not sexist, but I am totally sexist." It ultimately boiled down to "Marry a sweet, biddable girl." Now, nothing against sweet, biddable girls, but it's really hard to read that and think that maybe the article cared more about maintaining ideals for women then helping guys find an ideal mate. (Gee, y'think?)

Yeah, the idea clearly wasn't: "Men should read this and marry the right woman." It was "women should read this and make themselves 'marriage material'." Ugh. All the ugh.

So who do I think is NOT marriage material? How would I write that article? Well, fine. Here are the 10 types of people I don't think you should marry.

1: Someone who doesn't respect you.

You are a person of value. This can be hard to remember in a culture where the state of marriage is so oddly idolized, but you have worth as a person on your own. If your partner doesn't recognize, and acts like they're doing you a favor or settling? Don't marry them. It's a partnership you are entering into.

2: Someone who's idea of "respect" doesn't match your own.

This part gets tricky. There are many different ways to value someone, and many different ways to value yourself. Yours and your partners NEED to be at least similar. If your partner respects the heck out of you but that never gets across because their idea of respect doesn't look like respect to you? Then rethink the whole "marriage" thing. And I can't say too much about it beyond that, because this stuff can go SO differently. I, for instance, do not really "get" BDSM relationships. So if I were to be in one, I probably wouldn't feel I was being very respected, whether I was Dom or Sub. That said, there are very definitely people for whom that sort of relationship is where they feel MOST respected. So it is likely for the best that I didn't marry any of them... even with the best of intentions, we wouldn't end up respecting each other, and I am forced to refer you to rule #1.

3: Someone you think of as a "fixer-upper."

The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person. I know so many people who married someone else based on their potential... the concept of what that person would become. People are complicated, and their perception of maturity may not match your own. If you do not want to be with the person they are now, then you do not Respect them. See rule #1.

4: Someone who doesn't see marriage the same way as you do.

I have some dear friends who are VERY religiously conservative. They will both swear, up and down, that the man is the head of the household and the woman should submit to him. They both will maintain, to their deaths, that they are following that model. To any sane outside observer, however, what you see when you see them operate is a woman very much in charge of pretty much everything. You know what? THAT'S FINE, because however weird it may seem, they are on the same page together. If you want to marry someone else, and their perspective of what marriage looks like is light years away from yours, then you will both end up feeling that your partner isn't living up to their side of the bargain. This leads to contempt. Contempt is not respectful. See rule #1.

5: Someone who abuses you.

No, they didn't just "have a bad day." You didn't "ask for it." If you live in fear of this person, then they are abusing you. You cannot simultaneously abuse and respect a person. Abuse is not respectful. ABUSE is not respectful. ABUSE IS NOT RESPECTFUL. See Rule #1.

6: Someone who ignores consent.

If your partner doesn't care whether or not you consent to something, that is very likely an abusive relationship, so see rule #5. At the very least, they don't respect you. See Rule #1.

7: Someone with a hugely different sexual needs.

Sex isn't the end-all be-all of marriage, but how it is perceived is a HUGELY important component. This goes both ways... someone constantly feeling badgered for sex isn't feeling respected. Likewise, someone who feels sexually starved isn't feeling respected, either. There will always be times when one party would like to have sex and the other doesn't, that isn't a deal breaker, but a particularly amorous person paired with an asexual partner are likely to run into problems. If your hope is that their desires will "shift" over time? See rule #3.

8: Someone with hugely different expectations of procreation.

Some people don't want to have children. Some people don't want to have children right now. Some people want to adopt. Some want to biologically procreate. Some what to biologically procreate like bunny rabbits. If you are not in a similar place to your partner, marriage might not be path for the two of you. If your hope is that they'll "see it my way eventually," See Rule #3.

9: Someone unwilling to discuss their feelings on sex or procreation. 

This one makes me crazy, Sometimes it feels like getting people to discuss this thing in premarital counseling is like pulling teeth. Yes, I get that it is personal, but you have to discuss it. If your prospective partner is unwilling to at least compare notes on what they are looking for in sexual relationship, and their views on having kids, that shows a level of disrespect that can lead to huge problems later. See Rule #1.

10: Someone you don't love.

You respect them. They respect you. You are (more or less) compatible in every way, and both of you are in a place where you'd like a "deeper relationship." You're even fairly well in agreement on what that means. It's just that you don't see them "that way." 

It happens. All the time, actually. On paper, someone may seem like the ideal match but it just doesn't click for you, for some reason. I have heard, more than once, about people in a situation like that who just "go for it."

Of all the people on this list, this is the person that is the hardest for me to advise you turn away, but I do. Maybe it's just me being old fashioned, (or relatively new fashioned, as the case may be) but I do feel that Marriage needs more than just by the numbers compatibility. It takes love, which can make so many other things fade, It can also make us stupid, so follow the other rules as well, but if that person who seems perfect except you don't love them comes along, then value them as the friend they are.

Because to marry that person isn't to enter into a loving commitment with them. It's to check off a box, to do a deeply personal thing just because you are supposed to do it. It's using them to hit a life mark or goal.

And that isn't respectful. See Rule #1.