Reader Question: Polyamory (Here we go...)

You've held us in suspense long enough! Tell us what you think of Poly-amorous relationships, based on your own experience and what the Bible says! (Hey, it should help your view count, right? I'm just trying to help you out here.) -Dave
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Sigh. Thanks for writing in, Dave. (I wonder if this will kick off a theme of "Ask Dan Questions that Might Embarrass him." Only time will tell.)

Ok. Starting caveats- I have never been in a poly relationship, and my experience with them is HIGHLY limited. So I can only answer this question based off of Biblical Teaching and my VERY LIMITED PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. So if I come off as completely off base, then ignore this post as the ignorant drivel that it is. You know, about what you could expect with this question when directed towards a white, cishet and married North American Protestant Pastor.

But since you asked...

Anyone who demands that the "marriage code" as described in early Genesis of "one man, one woman" (based off of Adam and Eve) was designed to be proscriptive of all other possibilities is willfully ignoring the presence of poly-amorous marriage in the Bible. It's not precisely hiding, either. Jacob himself (who would later be given the name Israel, so kind of a big deal) had four wives. David had several. Solomon had hundreds. Gideon, the Judge, had "many" wives, the Prophet Ezra had two, even Moses had a couple.

Now you'll notice that these are all polygamous... one guy and an unspecified number of women. They are also not glowing accounts of the institution. Jacob's first two wives (one of which he was tricked into marrying while wishing to marry the other) were constantly squabbling, and Jacob himself played favorites. Solomon's wives are often blamed for him being led astray though to be fair this has more to do with them being foreign than being numerous enough to make up a small army. Other instances are merely stated in lists of begats, so were presumably not a cause of biblical level trouble, but we are never really presented with a good couple. Then again, there aren't really any rockstar monogamous couples in the Bible, either, so maybe it's all a wash.

The main problem with Biblical Polygamy (which is the only real instance of Biblical Polyamory) is how the women are treated as collectibles. Kill a guy, take his wife, was pretty much the order of the day. Biblical Law did what it could to make sure they weren't disposable (a man was beholden to all of his wives and had to see them cared for) but there is no telling how well these laws were enforced, and even if they were, these laws are now seen as fairly reprehensible in their own right, as they often translated to: "This guy raped you, now you have to marry him." It was put in place to see to it the women were cared for, but again, an inherently flawed system based on the really not great gender roles of the time.

And that has translated forward. Modern polygamous societies, based on the Biblical code, have had their own MAJOR problems with the concept of consent, with underage girls being married off to far older men as the sixth or seventh wife. Modern reporting has sensationalized some of it, but the problems still exist to the point where I take the tales of Jacob and Solomon's love lives as a warning, not a recommendation, and encourage people who want to follow a Biblical concept of marriage to stick to one partner.

That said, most of the folks who have talked to me about their polyamorous relationships have absolutely not been attempting to follow a Biblical model of any kind, and so likely will not fall into those traps. When you ask me my opinion on that...

Eh...

I still don't think it is a good idea. As I discussed in the Premarital sex question, respect is MASSIVELY important in sexual relationships because of how vulnerable sex can make people to one another. Human beings, when living in groups, naturally form hierarchies, and those same hierarchies can lead to abuse. Put in the context of a sexual relationship, and that abuse can be hugely, hugely harmful.

I made a similar comment in an earlier question and was later informed that many poly relationships don't form hierarchies, with everyone acting as even, respectful partners. That's good to hear, but a part of me doesn't buy it. I've just seen way too many groups of people attempt such a system and fail even when sex WASN'T involved.

So, at the end of the day, I can't say I recommend polyamory. Now, I am hardly expecting people to leave their poly relationships based on this post. "Whelp, Pastor Dan said no, later guys..." I know it doesn't work like that. As I said in the question about who you should not marry, the key is respect, specifically, that you feel respected. If you do, then go for it, I guess. It's your call, not mine.

But if you are reading this because you are thinking about trying trying a poly relationship, my recommendation is still a no. Sexual Relationships are hugely complicated and difficult to properly maintain as it is. Somehow, I don't see adding other people to the equation making it any easier.

Hey, you asked.