Top 5 Conversations You Should Have BEFORE You Get Married

Good morning, and welcome to the reality that you weren't dreaming... Marriage Equality for gays and lesbians IS now the law in all American territories. We are no longer bound to the political or theological whims of others, the battle is won, and in general, people are happy about it. Not everyone, though. Apparently some (rather dim) Twitter users have been threatening to move to Canada over the recent court cases... nothing like avoiding Obamacare and gay marriage by moving to a country with universal healthcare that approved gay marriage a decade ago.

But I digress! Now that Marriage Equality is really a thing, a lot of couple are queuing up at the courthouses to get hitched. For a lot of them this is simply a formality, the last, finally legal step they have been waiting for for decades, and blessings to each of them. But others are doing it simply because they can... and that worries me, because great as Marriage can be, it can also suck.

For instance, back when I married Rose, there were literally millions of people I COULD have legally married, but very, very few of them (possibly just one) would have actually been a good idea.

As a Pastor, I require five sessions of Pre-marital Counseling before each marriage that I preside over. Without the sessions, I don't do the marriage. But my rules are often not what people expect: I am not grading their relationship, or "checking if it's holy." What I am doing is making sure that 5 key conversations have taken place by instigating them in these sessions. I assure people that no matter what their answers are, I WILL marry them so long as A) they are doing the work and B) there are no signs of abuse.

And now, for anyone who cares what I think about stuff, here are the 5 conversations you REALLY ought to have before you marry somebody.

1: Who are you from?
You'd be amazed how little some people talk to each other about who they actually are. Dating in America is complicated process wherein two people work to impress the other, having fun, doing fun things, etc. But dating is special time and can often be oddly detached from the realities we actually live in, and the biggest gap is often home family.

Family is embarrassing, even when they're not horrible. They are like walking baby pictures, giving sometimes disturbingly deep insights into WHY we are who we are. Meeting them isn't a perfect fix, either, because meeting the family is like a job interview... too much pressure wanting to be liked to really learn that much about them.

So my recommendation is to have each of you write out a simple family tree that includes as many relatives (and important friends) you can manage. And then, once you have the names, mark the relationships. Who are really tight? Who doesn't get along? Who has been abusive, and to whom? Who is still alive, which deaths really hurt, who will be in the bridal party, who will NOT be invited, and why.

It may end up looking something like this:

This, of course, is a very simple example. Put in as much info as you can, and then walk through it with your fiance. Even if you don't think they'll be seeing much of your family, you are connecting them to them, so it's only fair to let them know what they are getting into.



2: Financial Expectations

Everyone has some expectation of what married life looks like. VERY few actually put much thought into what its financial realities will be. This often comes from our families... it doesn't occur to us that there is more than one way for a family to operate. So talk about how you think the household will actually run. Who will be working? Who will pay bills? Who will balance checkbooks? If a job requires the family to move, will you? And whose? If both of you can't keep your careers, whose has priority?

Unless you happen to start out on the same page, this will lead to arguments. THAT IS A GOOD THING. It is far better to have the argument now, over a theoretical, then when an actual crisis is over your heads. Once both partners know the others expectations, you can then work out an actual plan between the two of you.

3: Sexual Expectations

This is always a fun one for me, because nothing makes people more uncomfortable than talking about sex with their pastor. Ah, fun times, great awkwardness. Well, I probably won't be there to have "the talk" with you, but like above, write down your sexual expectations and then share them. How often do you like to have sex? do you like to experiment, or do you prefer to keep what you like going?

Also, this is when we discuss what consent looks like. This talk is NOT a blank check consent form. But it is a great way to discuss the little clues we give for when we are in the mood or not in the mood. If you have had sex before this talk, it's also a good time to talk about previous times. Did you really want sex that one time, or was there a clue I missed that said you weren't? That one time you were kind of hinting that you wanted sex and I said no, was it just a hint or did you REALLY want it, and then you felt rejected?

Again, this can lead to arguments and hurt feelings, but it is important to discuss. The marriage bed should be an AWESOME place, and little unseen signs and hint can make it not be that, so cut through the coyness and lay it all out there. You may be surprised just how much better you sex can be after this conversation, which couples sometimes share with me, when they want ME to be the one who suddenly feels awkward.

4. Family Expectations

Do you want kids? How many? Do you have a gender preference? Name preference? How should they be raised? Will religion play a role in your family, and if so, what and how? Do you just HAVE to be a member of a certain church? Would you rather be caught dead than in church pew?

This will cross over some with the previous two conversations, and that is fine. It may also bring back up old arguments. Also fine. Better to get it all out ahead of time. And if the two partners have different religious expectations that they intend to stick to (which CAN work, though it will be hard) have a definite plan in place for any children raised. It is important that this plan respect both parents and allows the child to make their own decisions without allowing this to play one parent against the other. I go into this in more detail here. 

Oh, this is also a good time to discuss how you argue. Have each partner describe what the OTHER does when arguing. Are they aggressive? Passive-aggressive? Are they out for understanding, or just to win? Are they pushing for their agenda, or just pushing for peace? How can you honor the other's wishes while still communicating your own needs?

(If this proves problematic, get a marriage counselor. They aren't just for crisis control... using a counselor for simple maintenance can go a long way in keeping a marriage happy.)

5. The Wedding

After all of that, setting up the actual wedding seems like it would be easy, but sometimes it isn't. Have both partners write their expectations for the ceremony down and then share them. This is a beautiful thing you're doing, and so everyone should get at least some of what they were expecting from it.

I also recommend, if your wedding is gonna be shindig, to set aside a bit of time a couple of days before where you and your partner can just go and have some time together NOT involved in anything having to do with the wedding, like a date or just some downtime. I sometimes offer this as a 6th session, where we go to a restaurant together and I sit somewhere else and read so the couple can have some quiet alone time that the family won't interrupt because THEY'RE WITH THE PASTOR. This can be hugely important for mental health.

These conversations are not perfect, and they don't guarantee anything. But if you have them before you get married, you will finish the wedding with a plan for what life will look like, and know the arguments ahead of you in advance. Believe me, it WILL be worth it.

Now have fun, and good luck!