Reader Question- Children in Mixed Religion Households

 The question of how to raise the children (in mixed religion situations) should not be overlooked.
-Anonymous

You're right, it shouldn't be. Thanks for asking.

A while back I answered a question about interfaith dating. My answer was that if all parties involved are respectful of one another, things should be fine. The concept of "respectful," however, can get a little more complicated when children become involved.

It's one thing to leave matters of faith alone when you are dealing with a significant other. If you love someone, it is understandable to want to share something as personal and powerful as your faith with them, but at the same time, respect can enable you to honor their decisions and trust in your deity (should be inclined to follow one) to care for them out of love for you. 

Children raise a whole other question, however, because it's not so simple as honoring their wishes, at least not in the beginning. You have responsibilities towards them that you don't have towards their other parent, and if their faith upbringing really matters to you, then simply "letting it slide" might feel very much like neglect. 

If you feel that you cannot walk that line, then you should probably think twice about getting into situations that might result in a child with someone of another faith. That said, from here on in, we are going to assume that the child (or children) is a fact of life.

The most important facet of all of this will, again, be respect to your significant other. That respect will allow the two of you to make a plan for how your child's spiritual upbringing will look. But you are absolutely going to have to make a plan and abide by it, because otherwise infighting WILL occur, and kids can always see it.

What exactly that plan will look like will be up to you, but here are some suggestions.

1) Everyone participates in everything: Religious communities come with important rites of passage that everyone in the family should joyfully participate in. If this involves you attending and participating in a ceremony that has no real meaning to you, find joy in the family time together, the beautiful art or music. Your child should not have to feel that they have to choose between time with you and time with their other parents faith tradition.

2) Be active in your "faith."  If you are less participatory in your faith than your partner, or are nonpracticing or an Atheist, find activities that you can participate in regularly that your child associates with your worldview. Maybe there is a service club where they can participate in fighting worldsuck without the religious overtones, or regular trips to museums and place of learning. You don't have to set up a dichotomy (Daddy believes in God, I believe in Science!) but finding family activities where you are the motivator will give your child something to associate with how you see the world, rather than seeing faith on one side and void on the other. 

3)  Beware of competition: Kids are geniuses at setting one Parent against the other in order to get an advantage. When your child asks questions about parents believing differently, use "we" language rather than "I" language and, whenever possible, have those conversations together. This process will be problematic enough without those games driving a wedge between yourself and their other parent.

4) When the child comes of an age to make their decisions on what they believe, honor and respect that, but I would recommend sticking to the "Everyone Participates in Everything" rule until they are living on their own so one parent doesn't feel abandoned. Regardless of what your child believes, they should have learned from you the lesson that being family together is very important, even in the face of differences of faith.  And remember, they may not pick the worldview of either parent, but may go for an unknown option C.

Be supportive as you can. Be forgiving when your opposite number slips up, because they will, and so will you.

Finally, if you are separated from the child's other parent, and so making (or adhering) to a plan becomes impossible, always remind your child that, as they learn and grow, you will always love and cherish them. It's a great big crazy beautiful world out there, and everyone sees it differently.

Sharing how you see it with them is one of the most amazing gifts a parent can give.