Reader Question- Premarital Sex

What are your views on pre-marital sex? Do you have an opinion at all?          -Amy Pond

Oh, boy. This could be interesting. Well, come along, Pond.

Pre-marital sex is a very complicated subject for someone who holds the Bible in a place of authority, because marriage as we understand it now simply did not exist in Biblical times. In many ways, in days of yore, sex was a marriage act as much as anything else. To some perspectives, particularly in the Old Testament view, Pre-marital sex wasn't even really possible.

This is not to say that people were less promiscuous, just that, in that definition of marriage, you had a LOT more adultery than we tend to, now.

So while others will disagree with me on this, (and will have valid reasons, because that is how Biblical Interpretation works) the first part of my answer is that the Bible really doesn't say much on the subject. However, taking the Biblical commands on sex and translating them into the modern day WILL give strong recommendations (some might even say commandments) when it comes to choosing your sexual partners, regardless of where you are in relation to a ceremony when the phrase "I do" comes up more often than in usual day to day life. These are as follows.

1) Ideally, you should limit yourself to one partner. (More only complicates things and causes problems.)
2) You should treat that partner with love, honor, and respect. (This is regardless of your gender or theirs.)
3) Rule #2 includes consent. Some of the most terrible of the Old Testament punishments were for rape.

So, having told you what I think the Bible says, now it is time to answer your question and say what I think. And before I do, I am taking marriage out of the equation, because it has become a government thing that is still denied some people. God doesn't give two shakes what the current majority of your state government thinks about your love for someone else. This is, as far as I am concerned, between you, your prospective partner, and God*.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing, a true gift, an amazing way for two people to share with each other both physically and emotionally. I hate how culture has demonized it, acting as if sexual sin is, in some way, worse than other sin, because it involves certain bits. From slut-shaming to homophobia that attitude has harmed so many that part of me wants to just give it up, you know? But here is the problem... in some ways, sexual sins ARE worse. Not because they involve naughty bits or because they feel good, but because when you sin through sex, you can really, really harm someone.

Rape is an obvious example, here, but only the extreme case. In sex we become vulnerable to each other in an incredible way. When that is honored, it can be beautiful. When that is abused, it becomes horrible. I know there are people who say this is not a problem for them, that its just a physical act that feels good. I see that kind of jadedness and I get sad... because I think that is sex already ruined.

If someone was going to walk into my office and confessed having sex in a way that seemed to violate the Biblical recommendations, I would do my best to assure them that God still loves them. In the end, nothing can take the love of God from you... not even sex. Everyone makes mistakes. Sure, you may not have used this gift in the way it was intended, but the grace of God covers that.

If you were to walk into my office, tell me you were planning on having  sex and asked for my advice, however, I would advise you thusly:

If you love this person, and want to be with them forever... if you feel that the sex would be an expression of that love, not a payment or an investment in the future, if you are ready for this person to be a part of your life, for better or for worse, forever... then go for it and enjoy one of God's greatest gifts.

If not, I would strongly recommend waiting.

* To my Atheists, you obviously won't care about the God part of the above equation. That's fine. If you still value my advice in this, then I would strongly advise you to make your sexual decisions based on love and respect for your partner. I do still feel this involves doing your best to be monogamous, because what I have seen of Poly relationships still introduces a hierarchy that I do not believe is respectful of all partners.

Then again, Christian Pastor here, so my experience is limited. Still, my blog, my advice, take it or leave it. Maybe we'll talk more about Poly later. There is certainly more info in the Bible for that than for Pre-Marital sex.