Concerning Suicide

Since Robin Williams death, I have received a number of private questions concerning suicide, enough that I decided it would be worthwhile to address on a larger scale. There have also been quite a few discussions of the matter on various internet boards, with wildly varying opinions on the "appropriate" way to approach the subject.

I am going to approach the subject from my primary experience with it... that of a grief counselor. Because of that, I may seem callus or cold in some of the things I say, and so rather than shock people, I am going to say it up front so that people are duly warned...

Once you have committed suicide, it is no longer my job to take care of you. You are out of my hands. This means that I will do what I do without regard for your feelings or wishes, except insofar as they are important to the people you have left behind. 

It's sometimes funny how many people this offends, and speaks to the circles that build up around the deeply depressed, often completely missed or ignored by them, the people fighting to let them know that others love them and care for them, and also those hurt the most by the suicide when it occurs. But those are the people I (and all of us, really) need to care for now. Once the suicide has happened, it's too late to help the departed. The best we can hope for is to care for those caught in the blast radius, and try to prevent a chain reaction. 

(Besides, once the suicide has happened, it's not like what I say is likely to get back to them. Regardless of your beliefs concerning the afterlife, if departed people have the time and/or inclination to read my blog, we all have some reevaluating to do.)

So now, we will leave behind those who have died, and speak to those who remain.

1) You are allowed to be angry at the one who committed Suicide.  

Is it weird that this is something I need to tell people? In general, it's accepted fact that you are allowed to be irritated with people who cause you pain, in some sort of relation to the amount of pain they caused. Grief for the departed is one of the most powerful emotional pains that exist, can translate to actual physical pain and ailment regularly.

And yet, over and over again, we see people who feel that the departed is somehow off limits. "Oh, but they were suffering," and other such platitudes get raised over and over and OVER again until the grievers feel terrible for their feelings of anger. And yet, the anger remains, and do you know why?

Because the person who died made a choice. That choice hurt you deeply. And no matter WHY they made that choice, no matter WHAT they convinced themselves of to rationalize it, they still did it, and it hurt you. 

Maybe, after your wounds have had time to heal, you'll be able to forgive them. But that will happen on your time, not that of those around you who just want everything to be okay again. You do not HAVE to forgive them (and forced forgiveness is, of course, worthless.) So take your time. Be angry. It can't hurt them. And it may end up actually helping you heal. 

2) You are not responsible for their death.

This one is so hard. People will blame themselves for deaths from uncurable diseases, so a death as preventable as suicide hits them twice as hard. "I missed the signs, I should have known, I should have kept a closer watch, I should have called more..." etc., etc. 

Again, the one who killed themselves made a choice. THEY made it. If they were inclined to let you stop them, you probably would have. In the end, you can't watch someone all the time, and truly determined people find a way. 

I realize that just saying this won't make it ring true for you. Your feelings of guilt are something you are going to have to work through, and your ability to do so will have very little to do with rational thought. But when the time comes, as you work on forgiving the departed and letting them go, a HUGE step along the way is letting go of the illusion that you could have stopped it.

3) Get help. 

Suicide is contagious. Did you know that? That instances of suicide trigger other instances? Once someone you know had died that way, the possibility will always sit there in the back of your head, and the wonder... did it hurt? Was it truly an escape? And could it work for me?

Grief can trigger depression, and depression is an ugly, ugly disease. Combined with suicidal thoughts, it can be deadly. It's not a matter of willpower or positive thinking. The depressed person is sick. And while you MIGHT get better on your own, you improve your chances astronomically if you get help. So talk to people about your pain. Don't try to hide it, where it can fester. Be angry and hurt out loud. They may recommend medication. Get a second professional opinion if that worries you, but don't rule it out right away.

Of the people who contacted me about suicide, most were not considering it for themselves, but were picking up the pieces after someone else had, and the death of Robin Williams brought those old feelings back to the surface. But in case someone with those thoughts is reading this...

Don't do it. Please. I KNOW that it doesn't seem like it right now but this world needs you. Your actions matter, and can hurt the people you care about it ways you can't even consider right now. It could even kill them. So put it off. Get help. Speak to the ones you love and LISTEN when they talk back to you. Don't hide your pain but show it, make it so it can't be ignored. Because Hope is contagious, too. If you can beat your depression, you may be the hope that allows someone else to beat theirs, and then they can help someone else, etc.

If you are considering suicide, please click this link. It is to a chat with the Suicide Lifeline and someone can talk to you to help you. Don't wait. If you don't think you're worth it on your own, think of those around you. Because killing yourself WILL hurt them. 

And if you need, you can write me.