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GREAT question, Logan.
As a Pastor, you would be amazed how often people just expect me to have the answer to so many things that I start to wonder what exactly people think we are taught in Seminary.
For instance, one time I was working at a church that was hosting a Christmas Dinner for people who were going to be eating alone on Christmas day. They had been doing this meal for more than thiry years (longer than I have been alive, mind you) and I was just helping out as I could. One of the church ladies walks up to me and tells me that we are running low on Green Beans, and asks if its worth making another batch.
Me: Uhhh...
Her: I mean, I'm pretty sure we'd eat them all, if we did.
Me: Ok.
Her: So should we do that?
Me: Yeah?
Her: Great! Thanks!
So yeah... from time to time I get asked for an authoritative opinion on which I have very little idea what I am talking about. In general, I try to refer to people who DO know what they are talking about, but there are certainly times when I want to be seen as a know-it-all.
It hasn't really come up on the Blog yet, but from time to time in ANF I will be asked a question on which I don't have a strong opinion, and in those cases I try to show how I arrive at a certain answer by showing my thought process.
But there are times when people come to me with spiritual questions, and the fact is that in that moment I don't feel particularly spiritual. And at those times... yeah. There are times I wish I was more "certain" of my faith than I actually am.
I used the quotes there because as I have said a million times, once you are certain, you are no longer doing faith. So doubt is always a part of what I do. I often joke that clergy should, in addition to vacation and sick days, be allowed to phone in atheist once a month.
"Hello? Yes, sorry, I can't come in to work. I don't believe in God today. No, no, it's just a flare up, I'll be fine again tomorrow." And I usually am.
In the meantime, I answer the questions and do my job to the best of my ability. I have described faith as a sense, and to go with a sight metaphor, those are the days on which the light is particularly dim. Still, I know how to act, still have all my learning, and I do my best so I'm not dragging others down with me, and looking forward to periods of bright light which are certainly coming. Still, it has been awhile since I have felt the need to "fake" faith.
You see, when I was a young teenager, I was an atheist.
It just sort of happened. One day I awoke to the knowledge that I no longer believed in God. Now I knew my parents believed, and I didn't think they were lying to me, I just thought they were wrong. I also know they would probably be sad if I told them the truth, and my Dad (a pastor) could get in trouble in his small, conservative church.
So I hid in plain sight.
I was the walking definition of a faithful preacher's kid. Always the first to sign up for youth outings and mission trips, sang the loudest during hymns, was up front at the stage at all the various "praisegasms" the youth group would attend. And why not? It wasn't like there was anything else to do, and I fun attending Sunday School and these youth functions and knowing that I, an atheist teenager, knew more about the Bible than any of my teachers except for my Dad.
It was years later when I suddenly had a relationship with God again. And when that happened, I didn't know what to do. The old activities had become stale... I couldn't worship that way anymore, because I had been doing it for so long and it was so fake. I started looking at all those praise bands and got very suspicious, wondering how many of them were just doing it for the job.
To some around me, they wondered if I was going through a crisis of faith, because my (now real) faith was much less visible. I didn't care what people saw anymore, what I was looking for was a real relationship with God.
Because of that time, I work hard to make sure that I never present myself as more faithful than I am, that people know the role that doubt plays in my everyday life. Because I did fake it, once. And I was really, REALLY, good at it.
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