Reader Question- Honoring Parents

I am the oldest daughter in a very traditional, fundamental Southern baptist home. This past year, I started college and over the course of the year, my theological beliefs have become more moderate (and Jesus-emulating, I believe). I met a guy who I became really good friends with. We have recently started dating, and my parents (who have never met him) adamantly oppose this fact, simply because he is episcopalian (and therefore liberal, and wrong). I don't believe my relationship with my boyfriend is wrong, but my parents have made it clear to me they believe I am sinning and straying from The Lord. They have given me an ultimatum: them (and God) or him. I do not want to throw away my relationship with my parents, because my family is the most important part of my life. However, I don't want to ruin my budding relationship with my boyfriend, another very important part of my life, simply because my parents are prejudiced. How can I honor my parents when I am not going to do what they say? How do I show I love to them when they want to shut me out? How can I continue my relationship with them when every conversation is a ticking time bomb?

Thanks and DFTBA,

Anonymous

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Your parents are completely out of line here. Sure, the Bible says to honor your father and mother, but it also says not to exasperate your children. Your parents can advise you, but they do not own you, or your relationship with God, and behavior like this is completely unacceptable. This isn't Christian behavior. It isn't even grown-up behavior. 

I think you need to let them know that.

My advice here is to write them a letter explaining that who you date is your own choice, not theirs. I would explain that if, while you are dating your boyfriend and whatever comes after, they want to be a part of your life, they will be welcome, but you will continue your relationship with both your boyfriend and the Lord with, or without, their approval. If that means not being welcome in your home church, there are certainly others where you can attend.

If you have siblings or cousins or any other family, I'd also contact them separately, and make it clear that it is your parents decision to not be in communication with you, and that you deeply regret that decision, but as an adult woman, you cannot simply let them get away with that kind of behavior, and hope that it will not prevent those siblings or cousins from communicating with you independently of them.

To be frank, my guess is that your parents are bluffing, even if they don't know that they are. Sometimes parents (particularly in conservative religious households) have trouble letting go of the the "my way or the highway" mentality, and when it becomes clear that you will not allow such behavior to sway you, they will moderate their tone simply in an effort to be a part of your life. Can't let the Episcopalians be the only religious word in their daughter's life, right?

Continue to be loving and respectful to them when they permit you to be, and be welcoming when they finally drop the shell and come back (so long as they stay respectful to you and those you love... very important point. Reconciliation without respect is not reconciliation.) 

There is nothing respectful about tolerating child-like behavior. Respect them by demanding that they face the world like intelligent adults, rather than petulant five year olds. I am sorry they have put you in this position, but remember that it is they (not you, not your boyfriend) who created this situation. You aren't choosing between them and him. You are choosing between letting them make you stay their little girl forever, or becoming the grown, competent woman that God means for you to be. 

God bless while you and they walk that line.