Reader Question-- What should I be feeling?

My father passed away one week ago today, I've had to sort his finances out, organise his cremation and put his things in order. I did not like the man, he was plain and simply mean. I feel I should be mourning him but I don't feel anything but annoyed. (as I have said before my mother has terminal cancer and my daughter has health issues, I also have a job ) should I feel something apart from annoyed?       -Carol 

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Thanks for writing in, Carol.

I have never found it to be particularly helpful to worry over what one "should" be feeling in any given situation. Feelings and emotions are reactions, and instinctual. We don't choose our feelings, and so stressing over appropriate feelings in any situation is rarely helpful. We sometimes feel the need to mimic a certain reaction for social reasons, but in general, at least insofar as initial feelings go, we simply feel what we feel. 

You did not like your father, but for whatever reasons it fell to you to make the arrangements following his death. Annoyance is a perfectly reasonable reaction to all of this. 

That said, surface emotions rarely tell the whole story. The fact that you felt the need to ask the question may be an indicator that there is actually something else under the surface, another feeling waiting to be felt, if you will, and you're trying to find it.

Maybe it's anger at your father for being so mean. Maybe it's regret at never being able to tell him off. Maybe the sadness at the looming death of your mother was triggered by the death of your father in a way you weren't ready to deal with. Our emotions are interconnected, and how we feel for one person can affect how we feel about another. 

Or, maybe annoyance is all there is, and it bugs you because we've been raised to believe that the death of a father should mean more. After all, with all your concern for your mother and daughter, maybe you just don't have the emotional capital to spend on a guy you disliked, and so you made the emotionally healthy call to not waste more "feels" on him than he deserved.

Unless you talk about it, there's no way to be really sure. 

If you have the time or inclination, this is actually pretty good stuff to talk to a therapist about, working through your feelings. There is a lot going on for you right now, and maybe you'll just get to the more complex Dad feelings when you have the strengths.

But unless you are being actively bothered by any of this, my initial instinct remains... don't feel the need to second guess your feelings. He was who he was, you are who you are, and how you feel is entirely up to you. In time, you may NEED to feel something else from him, to avoid resentment. But as for "should," there is no should. You feel what you feel for who you feel it for.

That really is okay.